Real Court Transcripts *funny as hell*

["eWe Legend" Jeff Payne™]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American
> courts, and are things people actually said in court,
> word for word, taken down and now published by court
> reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
> exchanges were actually taking place.
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
> impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
> memory at all?!
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
> memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
> something you forgot?
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to
> you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
> involved in voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
> person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
> until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how
> old is he?
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
> taken?
> WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
> August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your
> Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
> attorney?
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose
> terminated it?
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a
> beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Guess.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
> pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
> attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to
> work.
> __________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
> performed on dead people?
> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
> people. Would you like to rephrase that?
> _________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
> school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
> _________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
> body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
> why I was doing an autopsy on him!
> _________________________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that
> question?
> _________________________________________________________
>
> And the best for last:
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
> did you check for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
> alive when you began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
> in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still
> been alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
> been alive and practicing law.