We open in Merseyside, UK, home of “retired” wrestling icon Chris Burgess. It is 6.30am on the morning of Easter and the early rays of sunlight are slipping through the blinds in Chris’ bedroom, where the Englishman is alone, naked in bed, sleeping. On his bedside table is a half-drunk bottle of cheap vodka, and some empty bottles of beer. Next to the bottles is a ‘Home and Gardens’ magazine…which seems to have some of its pages stuck together…
Chris is restless in his sleep. Tossing and turning beneath the sheets, moaning and grunting. He seems to be in the middle of a terrifying nightmare.
He jolts upright, awake all of a sudden.
Chris: NOOOOOOOO!!!!
Chris is sweating and panting, he looks around and realises it was all a dream.
Chris: (relieved) Oh thank God I was only dreaming….just the thought of having to sit through a WHOLE James Ceno promo….(sighs)…..well just thank god it was only a dream….
A muffled noise can be heard from the floor.
Chris: Sorry la, did I wake you?
The sidekick of many of Chris’ adventures circa 2005-06, The Vagrant, sits up, rubbing his tired eyes. He was sleeping on the floor at the foot of Chris’ bed in a Thomas the Tank sleeping bag that is too small for him (but he likes the smell).
Vagrant: (dozily) She force-fed you HOW many black bin bags??
Chris: What time is it? …argh…6.30. I’ve been asleep for…20 minutes…
Vagrant: I heard you tossing and grunting.
Chris: Yeah I had a nightmare.
Vagrant: No, I was talking about 25 minutes ago….
Chris: Ah yeah sorry. I’m just excited about maybe seeing Rikku again.
Vagrant: She still not returning your calls?
Chris: (sadly) No…(even more sadly)…no. (Happier now) BUT! She HAS reduced the restraining order from 20 yards to 15!
Vagrant and Chris high-five.
Chris: (thoughtful) If I can just fashion myself some sort of…..fishing net….. ah well. I’m sure she’ll go on a date with me some day.
Chris yawns.
Chris: I’m thirsty. Go back to sleep.
Vagrant doesn’t respond and Chris, standing up now, peers over at him. He’s sleeping. Chris nods knowingly and smiles, as the scene cuts.
We reopen downstairs in Chris’ house, in the kitchen. Chris is milling about fixing himself a drink, when he stops all of a sudden, and stands perfectly still.
He listens for a moment, then shrugs, and goes back to his water.
He hums a merry tune as he plods about in his robe and slippers – then suddenly a crash can be heard from outside and Chris stands attentive, rigid. Burgess is on the alert now, worried about burglars. He puts down his glass of water and tip toes around the kitchen looking for something to defend himself with against any intruders.
Cursing the day he swapped his one and only baseball bat for a pair of white plimsolls Chris picks up a long plastic mop and brandishes it; his own eco-friendly Excalibur. Back against the walls, Chris patrols his way from the kitchen into the hallway, following the sounds of more crashing and thrashing about.
Chris could be mistaken, but for a moment he thinks he hears the sound of somebody screaming.
Chris sleuths up against the front door, mop in hand, and peers through the spyhole. What he sees is a strange sight indeed; a grown man dressed in a pink bunny costume writhing about on the floor in a puddle of blood and Cadburys, the razor sharp teeth of a bear trap sinking into to his leg.
Chris looks around, checking for hidden dangers, and, finally deciding that he’s safe, opens the door.
Bunny man: AARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! HELP ME!!!
Chris cautiously approaches his varmint visitor, still wielding his mop.
Bunny man: (in agony) Why would anyone have a bear trap outside their front door!
Chris looks around, scared all of a sudden.
Chris: (quietly) You didn’t see a 25 year old American man lurking around here did you?
Bunny: …yeah, he offered me a World title shot at some wrestling company…XWE or something…said I could be owner too if I wanted.
Chris: (scared) Fuck, he’s back…
Bunny: (goes back to screaming in pain) Arrrgghh my leg!! My leg!!!
Chris crouches over the trap and pushes the release button. The bunny sighs in relief and starts to sit up.
Chris: So…question time. Who the fuck are you and why are you wearing the bunny suit?
The bunny stares at Chris as if Chris has just asked a fat bloke with a white beard in a red jumper the same question in December.
Bunny: Errr….duh?? What day is it today??
Chris: April 9th, the day after Easter.
The Bunny stops suddenly, and looks past the camera. The voice of the director can be heard off camera.
Director: We’re pretending that we did this on Easter, Burge!
Burgess: (to director) Ahh shit sorry. Won’t EWE mind that I’m posting it a day late – in fact…what am I saying?!? Fuck it…it’s only EWE…
The Bunny rolls his eyes and gets back into character, rolling around again milking the injury.
Burgess tries again.
Chris: It’s April 8th – it’s Easter Sunday!
Bunny: Yes…and what am I?
Chris: (unsure) …..a pervert?
Bunny: WHO TOLD YO--no………I’m a bunny, aren’t I? a bunny with chocolate……on Easter Sunday…..
Chris: Errmm…actually mate, sorry to spoil your fetish and stuff….but you’re a bloke. Bunnies are like….10 inches tall, pointy ears and stuff….y’know….generally not human.
The Bunny rolls his eyes again.
Bunny: Do you know how hard it is to get rabbits to do a job as demanding as this? OF COURSE the Easter Bunny is human you dumb shit! What? Do you think Santa Claus is a Walrus? Is….is Bill Gates a Salmon?? Is he a Salmon? Is he?
Chris: (quietly)…no..
Bunny: Yeah, because Salmons just swim around all day – they don’t know anything about computers! Sit a Salmon at a desk and tell him to build a multi-billion global corporation and what do you think it’ll do?
Chris is quiet.
Bunny: What will it do?
Chris: (shrugs) Flap……flap around a bit?
Bunny: Exactly. Of course the Easter Bunny was human, all rabbits do is shit, sleep and fuck.
Chris scratches his head.
Chris: Sounds like they’ve got the right idea. So why call yourself the Easter Bunny then? Why not ‘Easter Bloke’ or ‘Easter Elf’ or ‘Easter Delivery Boy’? Why Bunny?
Bunny: Insurance purposes.
Chris: …….right, ok. Insurance. Makes sense. Anyway, let’s have a look at your leg.
Burgess inspects the leg.
Chris: I’m no doctor, but it looks pretty fuckin severed to me.
The Easter Bunny applauds Burgess’ expert diagnoses with all the sincerity of a clown.
Bunny: Well there’s no way I can deliver all of these eggs, I’ll have to call in sick you’ll have to finish my round.
Chris: Yeah good idea.
Chris then realises what the bunny has just said.
Chris: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
??
Bunny: It’s in the rules. If I ever have to bow out, the next person I see has to take over until the round is finished.
Chris: And what if I refuse?
Bunny: The World ends.
Chris: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT?
?
Bunny: Nah not really.. nothing happens really. I get docked some wages and a bunch of people don’t get their eggs.
Chris: Ah sound, fuck it then. See you next year.
Chris turns around to go back into his house and back to bed. Bunny shouts after him.
Bunny: Wait!
Chris turns around.
Bunny holds up a picture of a cute pair of twins, a boy and a girl.
Bunny: Look at these kids! 8 years old…..look at the innocence in their eyes…..can you really deny them their easter chocolate?
Chris: (shrugs) Yeah, fuck it.
Chris turns around to go back inside and Bunny shouts after him again.
Bunny: Wait!
Chris turns around.
Bunny holds up a picture of the twins’ older sister.
Bunny: How about her? She’s 17…and there’s no lock on her bedroom….
……..16 seconds later……
The Bunny is wrapped up in Chris’ robe and slippers and Chris is now wearing the Bunny outfit; complete with ears and fluffy tail. He holds the basket full of eggs in one hand, and his list in the other.
Chris scans the list.
Chris: Hang on a second, these are all EWE wrestlers!
Bunny: Yeah, the agency gives us all a company and we deliver to all of the staff and employees. I drew EWE.
Chris: But don’t you deliver to everyone in the world?
The Bunny just stares at Chris, wondering how this apparently tremendously popular and much-loved person can be so fucking stupid.
Bunny: Do you have ANY idea how long it would take to visit EVERY person in the world?! People are born and die all of the time! It would be IMPOSSIBLE!!
Chris: So there’s more than one Easter Bun--
Chris doesn’t bother to finish the question, as Bunny is now banging his head on the wall rather hard…
Chris: So who are those twins, and that 17 year old girl?
Bunny: Oh, the girl is Alex Shelley‘s girlfriend. Her brother and sister live with them too.
Chris: (disappointed) Awwww…..so when I give the 17 year old her chocolate she’ll be in bed with Alex Shelley?
Bunny: (unsure of how to explain it) Err……..no……….not quite………
The Bunny gives Chris a knowing look, and Chris’ eyes widen as he suddenly begins to understand….but wishes that he hadn’t….
We re-open with Chris cycling through the neighbourhood on the Bunny bike. He checks his list and map and begins to slow down outside someone’s house. He looks at the post box on the front, which reads ‘The Exiles’.
Chris chuckles to himself when he sees the ‘welcome’ mat, which has the words ‘FUCK OFF’ printed neatly onto it.
Chris: This is going to be interesting…..
Chris unlocks the door with his special Bunny key. Inside the house, everything is pretty dark and gothic, with gargoyles and the like spread around the grim motif.
Ashlocke and Hayden, both being vampire-ish night creatures, are both still awake, sitting in their lounge supping port from their crystal decanters. The sit opposite each other, a chess table between them – however, they do not pick up and move the pieces around with their hands like mere mortals; they control the pieces with their minds.
Ashlocke: (offhand) Might log onto the web later.
Hayden rolls his eyes.
Ashlocke: (defensive) Oh what?? WHAT??
Hayden: What? Did I say anything??
Ashlocke: You just rolled your eyes, you think I’m just going online to argue with people, don’t you?
Hayden doesn’t respond, he concentrates on his chess move.
Ashlocke: I just need to check my MySpace account…that’s all….maybe check my hotmail inbox…..my e-bay account…..the political and religious views discussion forum--
Hayden: I knew it! I KNEW you were just going online to argue with people!
Ashlocke: Oh fuck off! I just love to argue!! I LOVE IT!!
Hayden: It’s your move…..
Ashlocke: Fuck chess!
Still just using his mind, Ashlocke upturns the chess board sending the pieces flying all over the room.
Hayden stretches and sighs smugly.
Hayden: Check mate. 92-5 to me…
Ashlocke: (sulking) Fuck off.
Chris, who has watched the whole seen from the doorway quietly leaves the eggs and tip toes out.
Chris’ next egg is one wrapped in barbedwire and filled with salt and broken glass. However, it is a caffeine free egg, and the wrapper contains several health messages to do with the dangers of smoking and drink driving.
Chris: Danny Danger’s straight edge Easter, nice…
The next house on Chris’ list is a small one – but still expensive looking. Chris, unsure of who it belongs to, walks in through the door and looks around at all of the modernist artwork on the walls and LCD TVs etc, etc.
He hears a snickering sound coming from the study, and Chris follows the giggling. He peers into the room through the crack in the door, where James Ceno is shown sitting at the desk in his SpongeBob pyjamas with the phone at his ear. He is grinning wickedly.
On the other end of the phone, somebody answers with a sleepy ‘hello?’.
Ceno: (disguising his voice) Hello…..is that Mr. Cabbage? Oh, it is? I’m glad I finally got hold of you. This is Detective Police Chief Sergeant Constable Smith and I’m afraid I have some bad news……
Ceno has to hold the phone away from his face so that he can get away with laughing hard.
Ceno: (still disguising voice) …….yes I’m afraid it’s your mother……she was in……(trying not to laugh)…….a car accident………(starts to shake silently with laughter)……….she’s dead……….
Ceno covers up the phone so that he can burst into hysterical laughter.
Ceno: AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ceno goes back on the phone.
Ceno: I’m very sorry sir. I was told that……..(now crying with laughter)………..her last words were ‘tell my son I’m proud of him’………..(starting to crack up again)……………please call me back if you need any help, goodbye.
Ceno hangs up and starts wailing with hysterics again.
Ceno: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chris, shocked and stunned, watches as Ceno pulls out a Cabbage doll and stabs it a few times with an envelope knife, and then sets fire to a Cabbage poster. James then curls up on the office chair and falls asleep sucking his thumb.
Chris continues his round, arriving outside Abdul’s abode. Abby’s house is like a miniature Taj Mahal with neon signs dotted around it flashing up such phrases as ‘Girls Only’, ‘Pussy Palace’ and ‘Fire Exit’.
Chris enters the mansion, stepping over the unconscious girl slumped on the floor and making extra careful not to touch the suspiciously overly sticky walls. Abdul comes out of Hot Tub Room#4 with two girls on each arm and jumps at the sight of Burgess in the Bunny costume.
Abdul: Holy shit! My Bouncy Bunnies and Rampant Rabbits party was 4 days ago – haven’t you left since then?!
Chris: Long story la…
Abdul: Burgess?!? SAFE PEACE MAN!
Chris: ….yeah ok. How’s things Abby?
Abdul: Ups and downs….right girls?
The two girls giggle and stroke Abdul. One of them starts to undo his belt and the other one pulls down her knickers and mounts him, while the first sits on his face and starts grinding around.
(after a while)
Chris: So….err…..you’re all just going to fuck right there aren’t you?
Abdul: (ignoring Chris) Yeah….harder baby! Come on, make it 3 fingers, it’s Easter baby!!
Chris shakes his head, leaving the eggs on his way out.
Chris: I can’t believe that people saw UKW as the nuthouse….
Chris’ next stop isn’t a house, it’s a pub called the Red Lion.
Chris: (checks watch) 8am…..at a pub……must be for Alex Stone…..
Chris’ final stop is the biggest house out of every one we’ve seen so far. Random EWE workers, past and present have gathered in the lawn to pray in front of the 14 foot high golden statue of the mansion’s owner…..White Tiger.
Chris looks at WT’s egg, by far the biggest and tastiest looking egg Chris has ever seen. He instead takes out some tin foil and lies it across the floor, drops his pants, and squats over it.
Chris: See you at ‘Mania, Tiggy….(starts to squeeze)….
END.
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